Be Nice! October is Bully Prevention Month

By: Melissa K. Burkhardt, M.S. Ed, BCBA

Certified Early Start Denver Model Therapist and Autism Specialist 

Did you know that October is Bully Prevention month and Disability Awareness month? Sadly, children with an exceptionality are 2 to 3 times more likely to be bullied than their typical peers.

Empathy

So, what can you do to help ensure that your child is not a victim of bullying or does not become a bully themselves? To put it simply---EMPATHY! Parents who show empathy for their child when upset, without ignoring their child’s feelings or trying to change their child’s emotional state, help them to develop empathy. 

How to Spot Empathy in a Child

Let’s look at a couple of examples of how to develop empathy in your child.

• Your young child wants to go outside, but it is raining and your child is crying and frustrated. Empathy is reflecting how your child feels. Describe to your child what you see, “Your face is going like this” (get on your child’s level and mirror your child’s face). “You look like you feel sad because you can’t go outside right now. I know this is hard for you but you can handle this.”  Dr. Becky Bailey, creator of Conscious Discipline, wrote the Schubert and Sophie series. These books help teach children crucial social skills, such as regulating their own emotional states and how to be assertive with others who do not respect their boundaries, such as bullies. This series walks the child and parent through the steps on how to handle upsets, as in the scenario described above.
• Another example of teaching your child empathy is by expressing respect, care, and concern for everyone your child sees and hears you interact with. Yes, even the driver who cuts you off in traffic! Showing empathy in this situation could be by saying out loud, "Boy, that really scared me and I need to take a deep breath to help me feel calm! That driver must have an emergency to be driving so fast! I hope that everything works out well for her!” Not only will you be modeling empathy, but you will be modeling self-regulation for your child.
• A further effective way to teach empathy is to teach children to value one another’s differences. I authored the book Exceptionally Good Friends: Building Relationships with Autism (EGF), winner of the Autism Society’s, “2015 Dr. Temple Grandin Outstanding Literary Work of the Year.” One of the reasons I wrote the book is specifically to help children develop empathy, tolerance, and understanding of one another’s differences. The story is told from the point of view of a neuro-typical child about her friend with autism. The book can then be flipped over for another story told from the point-of-view of the child with autism, experiencing the same events. The two stories lend themselves very well to the discussion of these differences. One of my favorite quotes from the book is, “Next time I see someone who looks or acts differently, I will remember to be kind to them.” To learn more about this insightful resource, visit http://www.exceptionallygoodfriends.com/.

Compassion, Empathy and Character Development

The Creating Compassionate Children™ (CCC) campaign is a curriculum for schools that is centered around EGF. “Get caught Being Kind™” is the campaign’s slogan. The curriculum provides teachers and schools with discussion questions to be used along with my book and extension activities and materials to help students develop compassion and empathy for peers who look or act differently. The CCC campaign meets federal guidelines for the requirement for Character Development. To donate a kit to a classroom or to find out about implementing the program in your county, visit http://getcaughtbeingkind.org/.

Avoid Bullying

Equipping your child with strong self-advocacy skills can help your child to avoid becoming a victim of bullying.  A common home situation that is ideal to teach self-advocacy skills is when your child takes their sibling’s toy. Attend to the “victim” first, offering empathy and empowerment. Ask the victim, “Did you like it when your brother/sister took your toy?” The child will likely say, “No!” emphatically. Help the “victim” use this energy to approach the “aggressor” to say, “I don’t like it when you take my toy, give it back, please!” Next, attend to the “aggressor” saying, “Look at your brother/sister’s face. His/her face shows that he/she feels mad and doesn’t like it when you take his/her toy. You wanted your sibling’s toy but did not have the words to tell him/her. Instead of grabbing, next time say, ’May I have a turn please.’ Try it with me now.” You have now taught your child a new skill to use in a similar situation in addition to reinforcing empathy.

Children are much less likely to become bullies themselves when their caregivers are responsive to their emotional and physical needs, connected to their child, treat others with respect, and utilize positive discipline.

About the Author: Melissa K. Burkhardt, M.S. Ed., BCBA, is Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) specializing in the earliest of intervention in autism. As of 2016, Melissa is one of 265 certified Early Start Denver Model (ESDM) providers worldwide, trained in a therapy specifically designed for 12-48 month old children diagnosed with autism. She is the author of the award-winning book, Exceptionally Good Friends: Building Relationships with Autism recipient of the Autism Society’s, “2015 Dr. Temple Grandin Outstanding Literary Work of the Year” and the Mom’s Choice Award. As a certified Special Education Early Intervention Teacher, she taught in the public school system for 20 years where she helped to pioneer a fully inclusive pre-k program in her school district.

Melissa specializes in private therapy providing very early intervention for children with autism and parental coaching to achieve best outcomes in a child’s life. She shares her extensive knowledge about autism through public speaking, coaching, program development, and preparing specialized presentations for individuals, groups, and corporations.

Melissa has learned from experience that early intervention takes advantage of the brain’s neural plasticity and is essential in helping a child with autism spectrum disorder to achieve success in developing to their full capacity.

Melissa can be reached at Melissa@earlystartautism.com.
EarlyStartAutism.com

Cultivating a Sense of Belonging to Help Combat Bullying

By: Kristan Kostur, 

Co-Founder of Proudtree Empowered Learning

October is National Bullying Prevention Month. If you Google “bullying prevention” you’ll get more than 1,000,000 hits addressing this issue. You’ll find everything from eye-popping statistics to what some say are questionable statistics, and posts from those who believe this is simply sensationalism to heart-wrenching accounts of children who felt the only way out was to take their own lives.

We are often asked at Proudtree if our products are for anti-bullying. While they can be used with this intention, our focus is on helping to empower children with a sense of purpose and value—to help them build a strong principled foundation from which they can grow with respect for themselves and others. Our hope is to reach the child before circumstances arise that cause him or her to bully others, and to equip those being bullied with a sense of personal competence, resiliency, and control over their world so they have the confidence to transform it.

We begin with what we believe to be one of the most important aspects in a child’s healthy development—belonging. A sense of belonging—feeling valued, connected to others, and a part of something greater—gives children the emotional strength to overcome challenges and difficulties that emerge in their daily experiences.

The most important place for your child to feel that he or she belongs is at home. The feeling of belonging begins when you establish an emotional connection with your child, making sure he or she feels valued, safe, and loved. When children feel like they belong, they are more likely to perform better in school, make friends, and overcome roadblocks.

Here are some ideas you can use at home to support your child’s sense of belonging:

Let’s Read! - Storybooks are wonderful tools to use with children to help them understand their feelings. As your child watches and listens to the storybook, he or she will make a connection to the characters who share many of the same concerns and problems. This helps your child feel included instead of alone, and helps to develop a sense of belonging. As you read the story, ask questions such as:

• What is your favorite part of the story and why?
• What do you think the character is feeling?
• Have you ever felt that way?
• What does that feel like?

You can also have your child describe the characters—the color of their hair, for example, what they like to wear or things they like to do. Explain that meeting characters in a book can be like making new friends. Then ask which character your child would most like to have as a friend and why.

Family Ties - Support your child’s need to belong at home by trying some of these tips:

• Give your child uninterrupted, one-on-one playful time with you
• Take a genuine interest in what’s important to your child and support those desires
• Smile when your child enters the room
• Express your love freely and show plenty of affection
• Include your child in family matters and decision making
• Plan a family party with your child and include family traditions such as special foods, games, or stories

Just how important is it for children to cultivate a sense of belonging? How big of a role can it actually play when a child is being bullied? How likely is it for a child with loving and secure connections to engage in acts of bullying? Consider the invaluable words of author and research professor, Dr. Brené Brown: “We’re hardwired for connection—it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The absence of love, belonging, and connection always leads to suffering.”

What are some of the ways you support your child’s sense of belonging?

About the Author: Kristan Kostur is co-founder of Proudtree Empowered Learning, an educational company dedicated to developing unique materials and programs to help instill in children a sense of personal competence and internal worth—attributes which help them learn to expect success for themselves in school and beyond. To learn more about Proudtree Empowered Learning visit http://www.proudtree.com.